I feel weird, but that’s normal.
I sometimes wonder what my motivations are in a given moment, motivations are the hardest of things to battle against, but they are also one of the strongest things to have in life. Take, for example if I am talking to a girl about nothing important, but she happens to be really pretty, do I actually care about the nothing or is there something driving the whole experience?
When I give money to some homeless guy am I just trying to look good for the people around me viewing the situation? When I walk into church am I there because I feel like it pushes me closer to Christ or am I there to cross it off my obligations list? Do I believe in God because I was born into it and am just scared of losing so much of my life if I walk away from it?... That last one was really hard to type, because I have bet a good part of my life and social life on Jesus being risen, and more than both of those, I put my soul into this…
I wonder what I would be without Christ in my life, and in the deep places of my soul I can see it. I would honestly be sleeping around and getting hammered drunk on a normal basis, I know that without Christ all those moments I dug into the Spirit to save me from a situation where I trusted myself a bit too much would have gone a totally different way… I would be addicted to drugs, and with my personality I would have tried to drag all of my friends along. I realize in typing this that of all these things I haven’t listed what would be my worst quality, I would have been extremely manipulative, and many people would have been hurt. Oh what a great work has been done in my life…
A life is the most tragic thing to waste, I can’t comprehend the weight of a soul and I can’t fathom eternity… I sometimes wonder what my motivations are in my faith, are they pushed forward by some unseen force, or some societal pressure mixed with a personality that upholds moral standards as a staple of the character type? Either way, I believe I feel something. It is a peculiar something inside of me that is aching for something more, something truer, a thing that can satisfy, more than any momentary appeasement to my flesh.
I believe some people spend a life trying to find it and never truly settle their soul on the matter. What if, and grant me the premise, Christ did rise from the dead? Wouldn’t that open up a whole new way of experience? I don’t know half as much about half the religions in the world as I’d like, but I do think if Jesus was right, it changes any and most of everything.
It may not appeal to you or it may appeal to you in the most intimate way, but Christ risen, would be an exact motivational point for many good ventures. The greatest of all being a life spent pushing others, in love, to His life…..but how hard it is to settle one’s whole being on such a motivation.
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